Resolving conflicts through deep listening
When two people clash, the quality of listening drops dramatically.
Have you ever caught yourself not really listening during a conflict, but instead already working out your own defense in your head?
In the latest episode of my podcast (in German language), I address this very phenomenon. When two people clash, the quality of listening drops dramatically. We are so busy explaining ourselves that we no longer hear what the other person is saying.
Inspired by Otto Scharmer’s Theory U, which I have been working with in coaching and leadership since 2012, I would like to introduce you to the four levels of listening. They are one of the possible keys to resolving conflicts—whether in business or in private life—in a sustainable and peaceful manner.
The 4 levels of listening
Level 1: “Not listening”
Paradoxical, but true: at this level, we are not actually listening. We let our counterpart talk, but inwardly we are just waiting for the next gap to insert our own thoughts and associations. It is purely a matter of sending self-messages.
Level 2: Informative listening
Here we pay attention to data, facts, and information. We use this level constantly in our everyday work—during handovers, in project management, or in regular meetings.
A quick practical tip: Take a critical look at your weekly one-on-one meetings. They often take up an unnecessary amount of time and focus too much on you as a manager. Instead, try to create more group-oriented processes. Work with weekly team-meetings, instead of one-on-one meetings.
Level 3: Emotional listening
Now things get tricky in a conflict situation, because we have to block out our own emotions and pay attention to the other person’s feelings. What is their voice like? Is their skin color changing? Do their eyes appear bright and full of energy, or rather cold and closed off? To listen at this level, we must learn to listen with our hearts and engage with the other person empathetically.
Level 4: Intentional listening
This is the most important and deepest level. Here we ask the question: What does the other person really want to say?
Sometimes it helps to actively ask a question like this: What do you actually mean? What do you really want to say?
If you let a conflict rest and “sleep on it,” emotional distance is created. In this calm, you can recognize the deeper needs or good intentions that actually lie behind the other person’s accusations.
When the going gets tough and the fronts seem to harden, try not to fight the discussion to the bitter end. Let it rest. But above all: Leave a little door open in your heart for the other person.
Through this door, you may realize that your counterpart does not mean any harm at heart. We also learn a lot about ourselves in the process. A proven rule is: Everything I criticize in others often reflects a part of myself.
Those who allow themselves to reflect in this way get to know themselves better. And those who know themselves better can lead themselves – and others – better.
Listen to the entire episode to delve even deeper into this topic and gain further valuable insights for your personal and professional development.
Thank you for following the podcast and being part of this joint search for better ways of interacting with one another!
Warm regards,
Alexander
Link to the podcast in German language: https://alexanderschwedeler.com/podcast/139-zuhoeren-im-konflikt/
